Quotes from the show
“Musical chairs is like pre-school Darwinism.” Paul Nathan
“I like to play hang man with a real noose. It makes things more exciting.” Paul Nathan
“I am in heaven. I didn’t expect to see so many of you here.” Paul Nathan
“You are so cute… I want to snort you like a diet pill.” Paul Nathan
“Children are like precious flowers… I like to spray them with weed killer and make necklaces out of their heads.” Paul Nathan
Quotes about winning the Editor’s Choice Award for best Children’s Show
“We are here to meet single moms and make money… This prize was a total shock to us.” Paul Nathan
“It’s hard to believe they could win anything… Look at them. They are old and fat.” Kamee Abrahamian – Show spokeswoman
“Being the lawyer for an award winning show is great. I get to charge more.” Paul Spiegel – Show’s Lawyer
“Don’t give him an award… You just validate his bad behavior.” John Anaya
“Does the award come with beer?” John Anaya
“Great… Now the magician is going to celebrate by going out and eating cake. That’s just going to make him fatter – Not jollier, just fatter.”
Quotes about parents
“Two years ago we had a couple of dads get into a fight over the last three tickets at the box office. I know it’s shameful but I am a little bit proud of that.” Paul Nathan
“Being a parent usually means putting up with a lot of horrible noise and bad cartoons. The magician is noisy and bad but he is too fat to be a cartoon.” John Anaya
Quotes from Paul’s lawyer
“Paul is the Hunter S. Thompson of children’s performers. That’s why he keeps me close at hand.” Paul A. Spiegel, IHC legal counsel.
“The best part of being a lawyer for this show? Paul pays me handsomely. He HAS to!” Paul A. Spiegel, IHC legal counsel.
“Between parents getting in fistfights over tickets at the box office and confusion over the photo policy and keeping Paul out of jail for selling absinthe this show keeps me pretty busy.” Paul A. Spiegel, IHC legal counsel.
Quotes about kids
“kids are like little adults but with naps” Paul Nathan
“Children are a horrible invention… They are short, loud, and pay concession pricing.” Paul Nathan
“My daughter loves this show.” John Anaya
“Paul does this show for the money, I do it to meet single moms.” John Anaya
“John is full of it. I am totally in this show to meet single moms… And for the money.” Paul Nathan
“Working this show is like running a pre-school – Not the audience… I am talking about Paul and John – It’s like they didn’t have mommy to match their sox for them.” Kamee Abrahamian Associate Producer – I Hate Children Children’s Show
“Hate is a difficult word to defend against in court.” Paul Speigal, IHC Lawyer
“The hardest part about being a lawyer for this show? Getting Paid” Paul Speigal, IHC Lawyer
“Paul is the Hunter S. Thomsan of childrens perfromers. He needs to keep a lawyer on hand.” Paul Speigal, IHC Council
“I don’t hate kids. I hate babies… I’m just compensating” – Thomas John, IHC staff writer
“I voted for “Baby Tossing” for the 2012 Olympic Games” –Thomas John, IHC staff writer
“It’s easy to write jokes about kids…getting the lawyer to approve them is the hard part” -Thomas John, IHC staff writer
Quotes about parents
“Parents are great. They have this playfulness about them that melts my heart.” Paul Nathan
“Being a parent gives you an excuse to ride the rides and dance like an idiot because you are doing it for your kids.” John Anaya
“We wanted to make a “I Love Parents Parent Show” but apparently there is already a market for that on onlyfans” –Thomas John, IHC staff write
“I love parents, they make up 3/4’s of my favorite words: apparently, parenthetical, and transparent”-Thomas John, IHC staff writer
“Parents are great. Who else is going to pay the ransom?”-Thomas John, IHC staff writer
Quotes about families
“As the only parent in the show I think I speak with an added authority when I say… The Magician is FAT!” John Anaya
Quotes about traveling with kids
“It’s not the kids that we hate when we travel… It’s the parents. The parents that refuse to stop their horrible child from being horrible. It’s the horrible adults with their bad genes and worse parenting skills. It’s the parents who know that their kids are awful but inflict them on the rest of us. I don’t believe in hell but after eight hours on a long haul with a kid kicking my seat while his mom lets him I hope and pray that there is and that his parents reside there for a long long time.”
Quotes about your partner
“He’s fat!” John Anaya about co-star, Paul Nathan
“I’m not sure what he does.” Paul Nathan about co-star, John Anaya
“He has the biggest head you have ever seen. I was afraid he would scare the kids with his big head.” Paul Nathan about co-star, John Anaya
List of things you love
Paul Nathan
Long walks on the beach, quiet children, high grosses.
John Anaya
Slow blues, quiet magicians, cheap drinks
List of thinks you hate
Paul Nathan
Snot, bad kids, parents who let their kids be bad,
John Anaya
Pop music, closing time, magician